It was a week or two to Christmas 2004. It was evening.
I stood in the kitchen in my mom's house, nervously sipping at a coffee mug full of hot tea with milk and sugar. My mouth and throat had gotten dry from the anxiety and heated air, and I was going to need my voice. Well, a voice. It never was my voice.
I was trying to work up enough courage to sit down with her and casually explain something I had been hiding to the death from even myself for quite some time. I was trying to tell her I was a girl.
This poor woman was about to find out that her firstborn "son" of four children, whom she'd given birth to 29 years ago, was seeing a gender therapist 150 miles away. "He" was going to start taking hormones in a few months, and eventually wear girly clothes in public, for the rest of her life. Her life.
Mom, I'm a girl. There's been a huge mistake, and that needs dealt with if I want to be happy. I've always felt this way. I'm changing roles. I start hormones in February.
But not in so many words. Finally, I choked down the lump in my throat and approached her, and carefully explained what was going on. I had (tearfully) practiced coming out to her sister a few evenings or so beforehand, because she tended to be a lot more levelheaded than Mom. I was the one who got upset then. On the other hand, Mom was already dealing with a lot, and she had always tended to react strongly to change and news like this.
Before I sat down, I braced for fireworks. This was a huge moment, and I was prepared for the worst: "Get out of my house and never come back." I didn't expect that from her, but it does happen, even unexpectedly.
Mom didn't react much at all, except to explain that she was going to need time, like always. (Choke.) I was, all things considered, pretty collected myself.
Coming out to family and friends is most often the toughest part of a transition for everyone involved, and possibly also the most important: If you fuck it up (or not), you might lose the person (or people) you're coming out to. Also you'll want to be pretty damned sure you're sticking with your transition before doing this, obviously. The cat does not go back in the bag.
Happily, coming out to everyone became much easier. It had even become sort of a rush after a while. I continued telling everyone I dealt with regularly until I'd even told everyone at work. I told them all, one by one.
While a few people at my musicians' store counter job tended to ignore me a bit more, the Baptist keyboard salesman actively avoided me when he could, despite how swimmingly well we'd gotten along previously. Ultimately, I lost no one except the first person I told. He had (as far as I knew) been one of my best friends. He started getting passive-aggressive with me the following August, after I'd moved away and gone full-time.
I'm really glad I came out so completely, so early. It was a tremendous relief that I didn't have to hide these things anymore, especially considering everything else going on at the time.
Okay. At this point I'm finally pretty much out and about among my closest friends and intermediate family! That includes aunts, uncles, first cousins, etc. on both sides directly related to my parents. I'm also completely open and out online. (I normally remain as stealth as possible in "real life" for my own good.)
My experience in coming out is this:
Coming out is scary business. If you're LGBTQ (or any combination thereof) and don't plan on remaining closeted your whole life, that's something you'll have to deal with at some point. It doesn't help that one of the things you must consider is that the cat does NOT go back in the bag. Method and timing can be critical.
Much more often than not, the hardest one to come out about is the T, being transgendered. A lot of young transgendered people are shunned or even kicked out of their homes when their parents, families, and friends find out. It's kind of a hard secret to keep if you're living in the same general area. Being closeted and full-time trans isn't really an option unless you move away and don't come back much.
In general, the best way to come out as trans is as gently, softly, and as understanding as possible. What you're about to tell this person(s) may be quite a shock, no matter how well you think they know you, or how liberal and easygoing you might feel they are. (*cough!*)
So the best chance at making the reaction and outcome as positive as possible is to be relaxed and collected, and not to throw too much at once at the person(s) right now. Present as your "old self" (maybe have a photo of the real one handy), and try to keep the gory details to a minimum. Be honest, but keep the blows soft. It also helps to come out to as few people at a time as you can, one at a time if possible. This may help open up communication.
If you're really nervous about coming out, or too afraid of the possible reaction, one common solution is to write a thoughtful letter. I recently sent out this one with a couple fairly recent photos to finish up my coming-out. The same cautions apply, so be gentle. You might hand it to them personally, and then stick around for Q&A.
If it doesn't go exactly as you wanted with one or more people, try not to burn any bridges, and maybe just say things like "I'm still here for you" and take them back without question later. Sometimes people just need time out to digest what you've told them, then they will be ready to be more accepting. This has happened after as much as five years or more of separation.
Also if you're young and coming out to parents, it can be really helpful to have a place to go (possibly to live) in case the reaction is seriously bad.
Once that's all over with, you've gotten past all the initial scariness of coming out! Congratulations!
Being yourself will start to feel like less of an ordeal, and more of a healing process, and you eventually won't be obsessing over your transition 24-7, I promise.
I'm still halfway in the closet, so it's high time I finished coming out, and did it "officially" at that. It'll be a huge relief.
The photos were printed by Walgreens, and I must say, the quality is really impressive for 19 cents each! They look better than 35mm snaps, and have the same look and feel of "real" photos.
Many of them will go out to people who haven't seen me since I transitioned, and some of them may be stopping by the site. Hi, folks!
My sister Allison gave me the best Christmas present I ever got.
But it wasn't the glass frame and photo above. (Though that's up there.) She accepted me as her sister! I could bawl. In fact, I did once in an IM conversation a month or so ago when she called me "sis."
The holiday trip home, although I didn't get to see anyone I wanted outside the family, went even better than I expected. Nobody even seemed nervous or freaked out-- even Mom-- and my name and pronouns were respected minus a couple slips.
Except for a nasty off-on toothache, it was perhaps the best week of my life. Connie says it was for her too.
That's me with the present wrappings Connie put all over me.
It was a week or two to Christmas 2004. It was evening.
I stood in the kitchen in my mom's house, nervously sipping at a coffee mug full of hot tea with milk and sugar. My mouth and throat had gotten dry from the anxiety and heated air, and I was going to need my voice. Well, a voice. It never was my voice.
I was trying to work up enough courage to sit down with her and casually explain something I had been hiding to the death from even myself for quite some time. I was trying to tell her I was a girl.
This poor woman was about to find out that her firstborn "son" of four children, whom she'd given birth to 29 years ago, was seeing a gender therapist 150 miles away. "He" was going to start taking hormones in a few months, and eventually wear girly clothes in public, for the rest of her life. Her life.
Mom, I'm a girl. There's been a huge mistake, and that needs dealt with if I want to be happy. I've always felt this way. I'm changing roles. I start hormones in February.
But not in so many words. Finally, I choked down the lump in my throat and approached her, and carefully explained what was going on. I had (tearfully) practiced coming out to her sister a few evenings or so beforehand, because she tended to be a lot more levelheaded than Mom. I was the one who got upset then. On the other hand, Mom was already dealing with a lot, and she had always tended to react strongly to change and news like this.
Before I sat down, I braced for fireworks. This was a huge moment, and I was prepared for the worst: "Get out of my house and never come back." I didn't expect that from her, but it does happen, even unexpectedly.
Mom didn't react much at all, except to explain that she was going to need time, like always. (Choke.) I was, all things considered, pretty collected myself.
Coming out to family and friends is most often the toughest part of a transition for everyone involved, and possibly also the most important: If you fuck it up (or not), you might lose the person (or people) you're coming out to. Also you'll want to be pretty damned sure you're sticking with your transition before doing this, obviously. The cat does not go back in the bag.
Happily, coming out to everyone became much easier. It had even become sort of a rush after a while. I continued telling everyone I dealt with regularly until I'd even told everyone at work. I told them all, one by one.
While a few people at my musicians' store counter job tended to ignore me a bit more, the Baptist keyboard salesman actively avoided me when he could, despite how swimmingly well we'd gotten along previously. Ultimately, I lost no one except the first person I told. He had (as far as I knew) been one of my best friends. He started getting passive-aggressive with me the following August, after I'd moved away and gone full-time.
I'm really glad I came out so completely, so early. It was a tremendous relief that I didn't have to hide these things anymore, especially considering everything else going on at the time.
Openness and honesty really are freedom.
Posted in coming_out by Milla | Comments (3)
Okay. At this point I'm finally pretty much out and about among my closest friends and intermediate family! That includes aunts, uncles, first cousins, etc. on both sides directly related to my parents. I'm also completely open and out online. (I normally remain as stealth as possible in "real life" for my own good.)
My experience in coming out is this:
Coming out is scary business. If you're LGBTQ (or any combination thereof) and don't plan on remaining closeted your whole life, that's something you'll have to deal with at some point. It doesn't help that one of the things you must consider is that the cat does NOT go back in the bag. Method and timing can be critical.
Much more often than not, the hardest one to come out about is the T, being transgendered. A lot of young transgendered people are shunned or even kicked out of their homes when their parents, families, and friends find out. It's kind of a hard secret to keep if you're living in the same general area. Being closeted and full-time trans isn't really an option unless you move away and don't come back much.
In general, the best way to come out as trans is as gently, softly, and as understanding as possible. What you're about to tell this person(s) may be quite a shock, no matter how well you think they know you, or how liberal and easygoing you might feel they are. (*cough!*)
So the best chance at making the reaction and outcome as positive as possible is to be relaxed and collected, and not to throw too much at once at the person(s) right now. Present as your "old self" (maybe have a photo of the real one handy), and try to keep the gory details to a minimum. Be honest, but keep the blows soft. It also helps to come out to as few people at a time as you can, one at a time if possible. This may help open up communication.
If you're really nervous about coming out, or too afraid of the possible reaction, one common solution is to write a thoughtful letter. I recently sent out this one with a couple fairly recent photos to finish up my coming-out. The same cautions apply, so be gentle. You might hand it to them personally, and then stick around for Q&A.
If it doesn't go exactly as you wanted with one or more people, try not to burn any bridges, and maybe just say things like "I'm still here for you" and take them back without question later. Sometimes people just need time out to digest what you've told them, then they will be ready to be more accepting. This has happened after as much as five years or more of separation.
Also if you're young and coming out to parents, it can be really helpful to have a place to go (possibly to live) in case the reaction is seriously bad.
Once that's all over with, you've gotten past all the initial scariness of coming out! Congratulations!
Being yourself will start to feel like less of an ordeal, and more of a healing process, and you eventually won't be obsessing over your transition 24-7, I promise.
Posted in coming_out by Milla
Just a quick entry to say that I'm now in the process of officially coming out as trans!
I'm about to send out to much of my immediate family: this coming-out letter, along with this photo, and this other photo.
I'm still halfway in the closet, so it's high time I finished coming out, and did it "officially" at that. It'll be a huge relief.
The photos were printed by Walgreens, and I must say, the quality is really impressive for 19 cents each! They look better than 35mm snaps, and have the same look and feel of "real" photos.
Many of them will go out to people who haven't seen me since I transitioned, and some of them may be stopping by the site. Hi, folks!
Posted in coming_out by Milla | Comments (3)
My sister Allison gave me the best Christmas present I ever got.
But it wasn't the glass frame and photo above. (Though that's up there.) She accepted me as her sister! I could bawl. In fact, I did once in an IM conversation a month or so ago when she called me "sis."
The holiday trip home, although I didn't get to see anyone I wanted outside the family, went even better than I expected. Nobody even seemed nervous or freaked out-- even Mom-- and my name and pronouns were respected minus a couple slips.
Except for a nasty off-on toothache, it was perhaps the best week of my life. Connie says it was for her too.
That's me with the present wrappings Connie put all over me.
Posted in coming_out, misc by Milla | Comments (3)